Meadow

I was a complete dorky nerd, and I have carried that identity with me as an adult. I gravitate toward the strange and fringe, thanks to a combination of general curiosity and outsider feelings.

If there’s a core component to my personality that I’ve held since childhood, it would be the strong desire to be able to exist just as I am. I think this comes from facing horrible abuse as a very young person. The first thing I learned was that – to express myself at all, to cry or complain, would cause me pain. But my mere aliveness was a problem to my biological family – and so, doing absolutely nothing other than breathing, expectations were placed upon me that I was unable to meet. This is an essential struggle that I have always faced as a result – I want it to be okay for me to exist, and okay for me to exist as I am, without punishment.

I’m very adverse to placing judgements on others – because I know how difficult the path can be. I know that when I encounter someone, there’s so much going on in their mind and in their life that *today* may not reflect who they are. Honestly, today may not even reflect who I am. I mean, I’m fine today – but generally, from day to day, there can be fluctuations.

I extend this to others. I want to see people not giving a fuck, loving all the weird little obsessions and hobbies that they have. I don’t care if you want to be Barbie or an Orc. Your life is yours to live and you can and should live it how you want to. If someone judges you because of your interests, they aren’t worth your time.

I learned pretty young that most people don’t extend this thinking to others. People love to judge, because it makes them feel better about themselves. If you aren’t doing what they are doing, you’re wrong. If you don’t make fun of others when they are violating whatever arbitrary norm exists from day to day in childhood, then you’re wrong too and subject to bullying.

All of this lead to me being terrified to speak/developing Selective Mutism. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, nor did I want to be picked on. I would replay minor conversations over in my head for hours at night, trying to prepare myself for what to do or how to act when someone said spoke in a similar manner to me in the future. I would create entire scripts of dialog, only to be unable to execute it when someone did actually talk to me. I was unable to speak when called upon in class. I couldn’t talk very well to relatives I didn’t see regularly, or random people making casual conversation at the supermarket.

In my experience with SM, I had plenty of words in my mind until the moment I was expected to convey thoughts to others. Then it would all fall away, and I would just stare. Then I would feel frustrated that people thought I was stupid. And I felt stupid – because I certainly didn’t know anyone else who seemed as bad at conversing as I was.

I know now that there are complex systems when you feel strong emotions like fear that can hijack your higher functioning. When I was young, I just felt broken.

My parents and teachers called me “shy” because it was the early 00s, and SM/social anxiety weren’t really a thing. I feel really grateful that there is so much more awareness in schools and from parents, now – but there’s still a ton of work to be done.

I’m afraid that we’re going to be facing a backslide in terms of recognizing and treating mental health conditions. I think there are certain forces out there who want to dismiss and devalue people who have conditions like mine. But we should have a right to resources and a healthy life – so I’ll keep commiserating and fighting.

Much love,

Meadowlark