Meadow

If I were to draw a picture of what it feels like moving through life with CPTSD, it would be the image of a person walking on a balance beam that is resting on a ship that is sailing across the ocean.

To experience it, the waves below are of varying sizes. Sometimes they rock the beam and a foot slips. Maybe it’s just a little jolt that shakes you. Or you fall off the beam, and you’re hanging on, clamoring to recover.

Every task – work, relationships, chores – even adventures that hold the promise of delight – can feel like attempting to do gymnastics on the balance beam. When the sun is shining and the waters are calm, you might be able to do a cartwheel on the beam. But as life goes on, the routine gets more complicated and the weather is unpredictable. World events, the loss of friends and family or illness can feel like you didn’t just fall – you’re off the boat and in the water.

So how do you find stability when there are so many elements that could threaten your fragile balance?

The answer is unique and multifaceted for everyone. For me, the most helpful things are:

(1) Eliminating as many stressors as possible. At this point, I do not add anything to my life that will make things more difficult or complicated for me. I do not develop friendships that aren’t mutual; I don’t overschedule myself so that I fail to be able to keep commitments. My work must be flexible enough to meet my energy demands.

(2)When very mired in memories, I will ensure that I participate in engaging activities that force me to live in the present. This must be an activity that requires my physical input. If I’m in a really bad state, a walk isn’t going to help. Even a movie or a play – I would not watch them. I would exist in my own mind, oblivious to what is happening before me. This is why I have found that making yourself enter a responsive environment is the most beneficial. I hate sports. I am not athletic at all. I was literally picked last for dodgeball. But I’ll do sports. Bounce a tennis ball or basketball, or ride a bike. It can, but does not have to be a solitary activity. Art can also be helpful.

(3) Meditation, mindfulness and mantras are key. Not having intrusive thoughts takes practice. Time must be set aside to work on letting them go. I have been meditating on and off for years, and I am always in a better state when I have a meditation routine. I added a mantra in the past year or so – mine is self-affirming, because that is what I need the most. My mantras are “I love you,” “I accept you,” and “you are good enough.”

(4) Acceptance. This is the most difficult thing for me. I grapple with this every single day. I get frustrated that I can’t feel uncomplicated. I’m annoyed with myself and my limitations. I feel angry that my experiences have made life a constant uphill battle that makes satisfaction elusive. I’m pissed that I contribute to my own instability. But I am a product of my life and the things that have happened. The only thing I can do is be determined to persevere. It’s not just okay that I’m not okay. It’s okay that I might never be fully okay in the ways that other people are. I still deserve to live. And for those that feel the same way out there – I see you, and so do you.

I hope my reflections help you a bit today.

Much love,

Meadowlark