Meadow

When my anxiety is in overdrive, it becomes extremely difficult for me to perform tasks due to the constant fear that I have done – or will do – something wrong. I actively seek out validation to prove that I’m incorrect or incapable, reading and interpreting signs that aren’t truly there. I assume that most people who get to know me will abandon me, and I distance myself before I can be rejected by them. If I reach out and don’t get a response (say that day), there’s a strong chance that I will lightly ghost someone (taper off conversation to nothingness).

Once my anxiety intersects with depression, I lose my ability to physically move. Walking from one place to another is becomes a herculean effort. Talking makes me angry because I don’t have a reservoir to pull from. I become really frustrated with myself because I don’t want to exist in such a terrible, useless way. I have a family that I am caring for – people who depend on me, and I absolutely must force myself to function. But that pressure to perform is so difficult and depleting that it feeds into the cycle of feelings of failure.

So, yeah, it’s a shitstorm most of the time. BUT – here’s the wild part about this – most people that I interact with think that I’m a very nonchalant, easygoing person. I don’t seem outwardly phased by most things. I appear, apparently, confident.

It becomes a matter of finding the right and important things to give a fuck about, and letting go of the things that aren’t important to care about.

One thing that I’ve found to be helpful, is to talk to myself as though I came to myself for advice. To treat myself like a friend, or even a stranger. I’m not religious, but to borrow a phrase – it’s about giving “grace” to yourself.

Perhaps I said the wrong thing, or a strange or unrelated thing in a social interaction (it happens pretty often for me, as my brain makes strange connections that others might not, so a joke for me may not make sense to someone else). Does it matter that much? On a scale of one to ten, how important is this mistake, truly? If the person that I’m talking to never wants to speak to me again because I said something a little weird – oh well. They probably aren’t someone I’m going to form a deep friendship with.

Redirecting thinking is essential. Rumination is 100% the enemy. This is where the mantra that I established in my previous post is helpful. It can feel too difficult to do when you’re so bone-tired from life. But, I know for me, I want most people to have a full and beautiful life. If I extend what I want for others to myself, then I want myself to have as much positivity as I can, too. I don’t deserve to lambast myself over the little things. Neither do you!

Celebrate your little wins, even if it’s making it to the bathroom and brushing your hair – or your teeth – or whatever. Every piece of appreciation you can have for yourself builds you up. Even if it seems like something basic that other people are capable of without effort – for you, it was an effort and it’s an accomplishment to have completed the task. Yay!

Sending much love,

Meadow